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Somebody’s gotta do it, right? Somebody has to rip everyone out of preseason’s entirely-too-optimistic grip — and it looks like this year, that somebody is me.

Look, I don’t really hate your team. I love your team. And I love you. And I want you and your team to be happy and win things and be better than everyone else and live forever and ever and ever. But consider this preparation for the inevitable sadness that will set in for fans of the 28 teams that won’t win MLS Cup this year. Sure, one team will win the darn thing, but I’m just playing the odds here, people. I’m guarding your heart so you don’t have to.

You’re welcome.

With the regular season kicking off on Saturday, here’s why your favorite team won’t win MLS Cup.