I went to the 2024 MLS All-Star Skills Challenge and rated everything I saw

COLUMBUS, Ohio — As I’ve always said, playing soccer isn’t that hard, really. Wait, hold on, that can’t be right. That’s not what I always say. Playing soccer is hard. There we go. That’s the one.

Soccer is tough. But when you watch enough professional soccer, the things that should be hard start to look easy. It’s the Darlington Nagbe effect.

Nagbe moves at two miles per hour and never loses the ball and he makes this whole being a professional athlete thing look very easy. That’s why I appreciate the MLS All-Star Skills Challenge. It takes itself a tiny bit too seriously (as evidenced by the four licensed officials that diligently monitored the proceedings), but it’s a fun time filled with people doing crazy soccer things.

What’s not to like?

But seriously, I went to the skills challenge at Lower.com Field on Tuesday night ready to be impressed by how these players do some of the hardest things in the sport with such ease. I wasn’t disappointed.

While I sat and watched the skills challenge, I put together some super in-depth, highly detailed, and extremely serious ratings for each event.

Goalie Wars

Rating: 11 “INTO MY VEINS”s out of 10

I can’t get enough Goalie Wars, man. 

There’s just something about watching two people take turns hucking and/or smashing the ball towards each other at light speed. Wait, you know what it is? It’s the fact that two people are hucking and/or smashing the ball towards each other at light speed.

Yep, that’s it.

Goalkeepers can throw the ball into the other goal or they can take a shot on frame. I’m very much team “throw the ball” to maximize accuracy, but to each their own. Even though it’s the only event at the skills challenge with Next Pro players rather than full-on MLS players (presumably because it’s a dangerous game that isn’t quite worth risking a shoulder joint for), there’s so much magic in it.

This is soccer in its purest form, folks. Really, I imagine it’s what every British soccer coach wanted it to become in the 1990s.

Shooting Challenge

Rating: 3 “infuse some jeopardy into this situation plz”s out of 10

The shooting challenge is…fine?